The Love Of My Life Is Back

"I figure I should address her as such. It's true that what we have is what I call hate/love. But it works at times... and when it works, it's seamless. I thrive off some of her features, and she likes to reside in my humble abode. And this thing between my temples is something like a second home to her. Almost as if we've been separated for a while and she saw me feeling alone..."

Ms. Depression, how are you?

You see, I'm at a strange stage in life. The stage where everything feels static. Like my life has gone nowhere in the past two years. Every time one recollects thoughts, he realizes two steps forward always equal two steps back. No matter how many times I begin to inch my way forward, karma has a way of pushing me right back to the same place I started. Which is subsequently irritating at times, but puts you in a mind state in where you expect it to happen.

"I never get let down anymore, want to know why? I don't expect much."

I've really missed you.

I'm at a point where going out is the worst time of my life. I laugh every time I look back to my high school days and thought hitting the town was a blast. Maybe a sense of freedom and adrenaline was accompanied with my rebellion back then. But now... I see myself as mature. I'm a "keep it to myself" kind of being. I do enjoy the occasional conversation, actually a lot. But I don't see myself ever being in the same light as when I was sitting on the couch with thirty people around getting drunk or passing out at the wheel as we drove home illegally. And with that I really don't see anyone as a friend any longer. Truth be told, the friends I thought I once had were really just in it for the benefits. And the ones that try to accomplish building a bridge to me are always halted production. Either because they're nowhere interesting to the point I can't bear to be associated as in the same boat as them, not mature enough, or looking for a vote of sympathy. And it may sound arrogant, but it's really not for me. Every night at nine 'o clock I look through my contact list and I scroll past names. Names that don't even appeal to me any longer. And trust me, it's not anyone's fault but my own. Maybe I'm a person that continually needs to be intrigued. But then again, I don't like the "How was your day, what did you do, why did you do that instead of that other thing" routine. Maybe that's why me and Liyah get along so well. Maybe that's why me and Rachel get along so well. And maybe that's why me and Dalisa get along to well. The strange thing is, I've never really connected mentally on a level with any of my male friends as my sister or other females. Maybe it's just the dense factor. Conversations about music, or cars, or video games, or even sports are nice in passing. But what substance do those hold? Why do none of these conversations contain a deeper context? Please, don't call it a different stimulus in the male brain, because I'd rather have a conversation with meaning than a quick re-cap of a game-winning three-pointer Tayshaun Prince hit over the regular season.

"They say, 'I don't want to live if you leave'. Did their bathroom sinks ever turn ruby red?"

Funny how I'm the common denominator in these instances.

I don't even know how to convey my feelings at this point. I always figure it's the best for me to write first, think, then act. But things usually tend to go sour that way. I've been feeling this way for a while now. Maybe a couple of weeks. And it kills me to think anyone would see this as trying to make excuses because it isn't. And it hurts to see she thinks I'm bullshitting. To explain simply... I want a girl when I want a girl. But when I don't want a girl, I want a girl who understands that. I don't want to run the town and play around, but I don't want to settle down. Does that make sense? I do see myself going down that path, and it's hard to say any of this without being cliche. Which I despise, because being cliche is contradictory to me. But it isn't her. It truly isn't her. It's all me. I can't explain it. I love her, I do. BUT it wouldn't matter if she were 5 or 500 miles away from me, I don't feel like I'm at the time of my life in which a serious, down-to-earth, I love you & you love me, whirlwind romance is the right thing to do. It's not the right thing to do. The relationship hasn't really felt right since I wrote Long Drive Ahead. It's crazy how you didn't catch you're like a desert rain that just mirages right past me. I don't know, I weave words in ways I find sublime at certain instances. And I'm not knocking you on anything, I only write for a release. I'm not one to run at my mouth, and I'm never expecting you to play this write back a response, like cat & mouse, shit. That's not me. And never will be.

"It feels as if she convinced my indifferent mind to go along with it. My heart is eager, because he hasn't felt this way in ages. But my soul is screaming at me, wondering what I'm fucking doing. 'Are you a clown? Don't you know this isn't a good time to be messing around, even if she is perfect'. And the latter is the most important."

So I'm glad you're back, even if only temporary.

Because it feels like I'm being bombarded but these thoughts from the peak of my dark recesses. In full protection, but I get tired of the advances. And all I can say is, "What's the point of you trying?". I truly become astonished when a drinker walks up to me, and tells me smoking is bad. It appalls me to see someone is actually slow enough to think I don't know that. I don't smoke for my health. And I don't smoke for my death, because truthfully every day you drive on the road you put other people in control of your life. I don't believe I'm speeding up my death, I just believe I'm handling my stress. In the best way I know how.

"So as I light up my black & mild. I'm going to follow suit. Maybe just hit it with the ease, write, relive, then pray. Because when it comes to the day when everything isn't bittersweet any longer, I'll be ready for anything."

I'm not really sorry for the long blog. Whoever reads, reads. Whoever doesn't, obviously doesn't. This is more or less for me. If I don't get my thoughts down so I can recollect them later, trying to convey points in which a certain person can understand, is pointless. Otherwise, Liz, thanks for listening to me. It really is a nice change of pace.

No peace.